“Hey boss, can’t make it to work today, caught that nasty IAS bug that’s been going around…”

Yeaaa, imagine the possibilities. Chinese doctors have now officially defined internet addiction as a sickness. The cause? Spending more than six hours a day online, with symptoms like difficulty sleeping or concentrating, yearning to be online, irritation, and mental or physical distress.

Well, no kidding. As with many immature medical theories, they lack a sort of specificity that prevents an accurate diagnosis, should it ever come to that. Found in Chapter 1, page 598 of “Owning Newbs, Anime Bewbs: A Guide to Internet Lifestyle” by Dr. Jerry, a more specific list of common ailments can be found:

• Alienation of family members and real life friends
• Not feeling at ease unless in dark, silent room
• Prefer high-fat, high-carb diet that can be prepared in 3 minutes or less
• Speaking less than 10 words a day
• Spending more than 80% of non-rent allocated cash reserves on electronics or anime goods

Easiest diagnosis I’ve ever done… just had to look around the room.

Anyways, I think it’s worthwhile to start taking these modern “conditions” more seriously as they will likely have a serious impact on the productivity and general quality of life of the next generation of adults. With the world economy in shambles, a global energy crisis, climate change, and a plethora of other things to worry about, we will need as much innovation and reliable help as possible, which just isn’t possible if our youth grow up to only keel over and give his life to Aiur.

While Internet Addiction does seem to affect Asian countries more (Korea, I’m looking at you), it’s important to keep in mind that gaming juggernauts like Blizzard are US companies, and it’s only a matter of time before we are completely assimilated into their hive mind.

Then again, if everyone was like me, we’d have no traffic, no pollution, there would only be anime on TV, and all girls would have to attend voice acting classes. Not a bad prospect…