Yes, indeed, it was I who predicted the collapse of the American economy. Surely, no one else could have possibly posited that we were all headed down a shaky path, right? Experts, journalists, academics and other pundits—morons, essentially—have long since hypothesized that the U.S. economy had been dancing along the wrong trajectory, but they were only guessing, you see…

Me? I’m different. I didn’t waste my time dilly dallying with useless analyses and pie charts… My power over the economy is far stronger than that: my blog posting predicting the collapse of Wall Street materialized into voodoo reality. Nevermind that these events were already inevitable… and nevermind that however I went about acquiring this knowledge, it wasn’t going to change the fact that things were already set in stone, for I am THE MINERVA.

Okay, okay, I need to cut that out before the South Korean government comes after me, too. As if arresting Minerva (under what charges, again?) wasn’t ridiculous enough, South Korean police are trippin’ balls because they have a slew of potential suspects who could’ve posted these “ominous” blogs under the moniker of Minerva, as well. Supposedly, some creeper who goes by the name of “K” is claiming he is the real Minerva. K? Are you kidding me? (coughKiracough) Seriously, am I the only person who thinks this debacle has suddenly escalated itself into an insane realm only matched by manga-turned-anime-turned-live-action films?

Because of the sheer implausibility of Mr. Park’s (the Minerva in custody) circumstances, I didn’t really expect this case to become much more than it was; I assumed he would be released as he’s basically held on moot charges. But no, this is seriously turning into a media circus: what’s going to stop the myriad of copycats out there from declaring that they are the real Minervas? Technically, every economic expert who predicted Wall Street would cascade into a sludge of hot mess is pretty much guilty of being Minerva. And you know what—nevermind all that—what the hell is South Korea going to do with the “real” Minerva, anyhow?

Give him tenure as the nation’s sharpest economics pundit? You betcha!!

No, no, you guys… you’re supposed to punish him, not reward him for being an invaluable one-man brain trust. Duh.