Hey Ningin, hope you all had a great V-Day! I know I had a great time being food poisoned and spending a painful and sleepness night for all the wrong reasons. Being my first contribution here at Ningin I would like to say I am an absolute Hong Kong bad movie nut, and recently went on an inexplicable marathon to bring you all the tragic relationship movies of the recent past. Yes, there were far more than I have space to mention here, but being near death has brought back quite a few notable movie memories, and so I present to you my post-V-Day review of all the bad relationship movies you ended up watching anyways.

Painted Skin - Directed by Gordan Chan 2008
(Starring Donnie Yen, Vicky Zhao, Zhou Xun, Kun Chen, Betty Sun)

A story of an evil immortal demoness (Zhou Xun) in disguise who falls in love with an army commander (Kun Chen) and inevitably attempts to kill everyone for his love and blackmail his wife (Vicky Zhao Wei) while he remains completely clueless. Of course, the army’s best warrior (Donnie Yen) and his newbie Demon Hunter sidekick (Betty Sun Li) are on the seen to stop her. If you haven’t watched this one then you’ve missed out on Hong Kong academy’s previous foreign movie of the year nomination and a new whole new level of unnecessary asskickery ever witnessed in a tragic love story. What would drive an immortal demon goddess to love a mere man?

Apparently being “saved” from a mongol camp by a dashing army commander. The catch is that in order to stay in her beautiful human form (a literal costume of “painted skin”), a demon must consume human hearts, which results in a series of ghastly and unexplained murders around town. Things become complicated when the army commander resists her charms and remains loyal to his wife who also so happens to be the old flame of Donnie Yen. Meanwhile, the demoness’ heart extracting demon servant is also in love with the demoness, forming the ultimate love quindrangle(???).

When I bought this movie, I thought I was in for a simple ghost story, and I’m still not sure if I regret it. Maybe I am just an action junkie, but its rather solid story, combined with motives that vaguely make sense, come together to form a fast paced story only Director Gordan Chan knows how to tell: Donnie Yen buttkicking and an impossible love.

Butterfly Lovers - Directed by Jingle Ma 2008
(Starring Charlene Choi, Wu Chun, Hu Ge)

What brought me to watch this remains a mystery. A recommended date movie, heartthrob Wu Chun provides the hotness and Charlene Choi serves up some masculinity in the classic story of a girl who pretends to be a boy and enrolls in a martial arts academy, where she falls in love with the top student (you guessed it, Wu Chun). Of course, he is clueless to her feminine charms and some (very) deliciously awkward moments follow as she attempts to get closer to him. That is, until the day she reveals herself and she is leaves the academy. The two vow to see each other again, until Wu Chun finds out that her parents have been blackmailed into arranging her marriage with a childhood friend who has loved her all along (played by Hu Ge). In response to the marriage Charlene drinks a potion that makes it appear as if she is dead, which leads a rampaging Wu Chun to a final buttkicking confrontation with Hu Ge. What happens next? You decide.

If you like Wu Chun and are partial to some ridiculously cheesy moments, then this modern rendition of the Butterfly Lovers tale may be right up your alley. Better keep your tissues handy. I didn’t need them of course.

Love is Elsewhere - Directed by Vincent Chui 2008
(Starring Yumiko Cheng, Pakho Chau, Sherman Chung, Jason Chan, Chelsea Tong, Ken Hung, Patrick Tang, Charmaine Fong, Louis Cheng…who wasn’t in this movie?)

This is my favorite relationship movie as of late. Love is Elsewhere tells (nearly) three stories of love, separation and reunion. “Love Love Soho” is an internet cafe that is run by Ah Ching (Sherman Chung) and Ah Sung (Jason Chan) and gives free relationship advice to couples in trouble. The cafe is the inevitable meeting place of the other two couples in the movie Joe (Pakho Chau) and Kelly (Chelsea Tong) and Ah Yue (Yumiko Cheng) and Ah Sing (Ken Hung).

The real breakdown occurs when Ah Ching meets her old ex-boyfriend Martin (Louis Cheng) who stirs up the jealousy of Ah Sung. Meanwhile, we discover that Kelly is out to get revenge on Joe for his ex-girlfriend (Charmaine Fong) and that Ah Yue has promised to marry her high powered broker boyfriend (Patrick Tang) when he proposes to her for the 100th time, putting the pressure on the lowly delivery boy Ah Sing (our main protagonist) to do some boyfriend destroying.

Where is the tragic love in this story? Well it’s hard to like Patrick Tang when he is about to get the shaft by Ah Sing, but to be honest, he proposed to her 100 times! You can fill in the blanks with the resolution. Seemingly, it’s your garden variety relationship movie, but this is my favorite (and most complicated) date movie of yesteryear—go check it out.

L for Love, L for Lies
Directed by Patrick Kong 2008
(Starring Alex Fong, Stephy Tang, Alice Tseng, Stephen Wong Ka-Lok)

I just couldn’t leave this one alone. It features probably the cutest “couple” in Hong Kong, a “couple” whose movies are part of my dirty little collection of movies I never watched: Alex Fong and Stephy Tang’s latest on screen foray into each other’s lives is not a terrible idea to watch. The terrible part will hit you after the movie is over and you realize that these two are not together in real life. That is, after being in two popular and suggestive duets, appearing in each other MVs, and criminally doing five relationship movies together.

Alex Fong is Henry, a no good conman who excels at conning unsuspecting women out of their money. Stephy Tang is Bobo, a sweet and innocent girl who co-owns a Dessert Shop with her boyfriend (Stephen Wong). Alice Tseng is the conwoman Kiki, that steals both Bobo’s dessert shop AND her MAN (the nerve) through her particular art of seduction. In her rage Bobo hires Henry to con and destroy Kiki while at the same time falling in love with him. Meanwhile, Bobo’s friend “Mon” (Leila Tong) is a control freak and is causing her boyfriend Fung (Terry Hu) to secretly deal with a married woman, Mandy (Miki Yeung).

While this movie really is driven by its two main stars, it also finds some serious redemption in the mechanic of Henry’s tricksy conman attitude and a completely out-of-nowhere ending, which would make you think you were watching a different movie. Thank you Patrick Kong, thank you for teaching me relationships “suck” in a continuing three-part series of Alex Fong and Stephy Tang addiction (this movie is the third; the first and the second being Marriage with a Fool and Love is Not All Around, respectively).

After a life of watching action packed movies of car chases and guns blazing, and finding the time to throw in the odd pop culture dance movie (I’m not even going to talk about Kung Fu Hip Hop), it’s nice to sit back and try something different once in a while. It’s been a learning experience to say the least.

Enjoy your weekend, Ningin ;)