But wait… I have to be a citizen of Singapore to enter the pageant and I am not. Also, I have something called the penis which might be in my way. Darn! Anyway given how low of a standard they applied when choosing the previous title holder, Ris Low (who recently lost her title because homegirl was caught stealing other people’s credit cards and going on a shopping spree with them), I think my US citizenship and gender won’t be a barrier of entry.

After all, I embody all the pageant queen qualities. I know how to do the perfect beauty pageant walk and wave. I also know how to give my world peace answer in a non-threatening way during the Q and A session. Most importantly, I have the perfect peen tucking technique which I learned from a drag queen who would put RuPaul to shame. So I can represent Singapore anytime!

Anyway, this blog post is not about me. It’s about this fugly criminal who just lost her title. Come to think of it, the judges probably wanted someone who represents a true Singaporean Chinese female and they cannot be faulted for choosing an “Ah Lian“. Apparently, this ah lian here loves to wear “bigini” (bikini) and thinks leopard and zebra prints are the hottest shit ever. Aside from winning the title, she also picked up a bunch of smaller awards like Miss Photogenic, Miss Screwed-Up Teeth and Miss I-Need-A-Brain-Pronto. Ok, I am being mean here but seriously, the pageant results were rigged. This bitch probably bought a lot of the judges off with the credit cards she had stolen. Just take a look at the video of her interview below and you will know why. After watching the video, you will realize that Singapore needs a true beauty with wits now more than ever, so please remember to put in a good word for me!