Is it a cultural thing? A family-variant thing? A hobby and pastime? Whatever it is, it hurts and for this holiday season, I wish for my mom to stop hitting me with brooms.

I have no idea when it became engraved in my mother’s head that she should hit me with brooms. Sure, maybe I deserve it sometimes but other times, I don’t even do anything that would warrant a broom beating. I’ll throw in the towel, cut my losses, and accept my broom lashing if I : break the mailbox, punch a baby in the neck, throw my little sister in the lava pits of Mt. Pacaya, or climbed the heights of Chomolungma (without permission) and threw my sister off there, but I mean, c’mon, don’t you think it’s a bit harsh if you beat me for leaving the refrigerator door open (it closes itself!!)?

My mom always has a fresh supply of brooms, and I have the slightest inclination to believe that the lady pictured above is the culprit. To the eye of common law enforcement, this lady would just appear to be a broom seller making a living selling brooms to feed her family, but in actuality, she’s a dealer–a weapons dealer. She sells all the brooms she can throughout the day, and whatever surplus she has at the end of the day, she takes it all home to beat her kids. See that woman behind her? Check out the shifty eyes–yep, all the signs you’ll need to spot a broom customer. Looks like she traveled all the way to Thailand to get her abusive little hands on a Thai Beating Broom.

Does anybody else’s mom beat them like my mom does me? Please, I wanna hear your stories and personal experiences because I don’t like feeling alone, especially in a situation like this. It doesn’t even have to be a broom, it could be a phone, slipper, guitar, chicken wire, or even the family cat for all I care.

Please, Santa, or Santana, please grant my wish this year and keep my mom from beating me with a broom, otherwise I don’t know how many more years I’ll have after this to continue my wishing spree.

P.S. I’m truly grateful that my mother hasn’t discovered the concept of a Swiffer broom yet.