Aha! Now here’s something every Caucasian man needs - a guide to dating Asians! Ladies, make sure to send this to all your Caucasian friends seeking to get a bit of the Asian lifestyle into his life.
As some background information, Teresa Hsiao is an Asian American comedy writer for one of the most infamous American cartoons, Family Guy. Also, please note that her “guide” was made simply for laughs, and this doesn’t necessarily reflect on Hsiao’s beliefs.
Now that that has been said, without further ado, let us present Teresa Hsiao’s ‘A White Man’s Guide to Dating Asian Girls’
STEP ONE: Finding an Asian
Asian girls typically hang out at one of three places: the mall, the library, or Pinkberry. When you get there, look around: the best Asian girl to pick up will be the one wearing a hoodie and heels (there is always one). When you approach her, ask for the time. As she takes out her phone to tell you, you should make a nice comment about her phone flair (Asian girls always have some bedazzled jank hanging off our phones, usually a cartoon duck or a jade tiger). And with that, you’re in. Asian girls will go on a date with anyone if she can tell a cutesy story about it later: “And then, after he saw my Keroppi keychain, he asked me out at Pinkberry! Pinkberry!”
Despite Hsiao providing a sarcastic tone, the bit about Asian girls always having cell phones charms and other accessories is actually pretty true! (And this is coming from my experience as an Asian American girl) Some girls will perhaps have one or two charms at the bare minimum, while other girls will pack their phone will little lanyards, charms, bells, stickers, and all this other junk! Also, I don’t know about you other Asians out there, but I don’t believe I’ve heard the term “Pinkberry” ever in my life - look’s like a Google tab is about to be opened!
STEP TWO: The First Date
It doesn’t matter where you take an Asian girl on a first date as long as you stick to the following topics of conversation: food, fashion, and making fun of other Asians (”So, your friends just stayed in and did math problems? They are so bad!”). If, by the end of the night, she giggles into her napkin/hand fan, you’ve got yourself a second date. However, no matter what you do, don’t step on the yellow-fever land mine that is acknowledging the Asian fetish. Yes, we all implicitly know what’s going on here — why else did America go to war in two Asian countries last century? — but don’t say it out loud. Us girls all like to pretend that we’re your first Far East foray.
Asian fetish? I don’t believe I’ve heard of that idea either! It seems like I have to get caught up on my heritage.
STEP THREE: The Relationship
If you get to the point now where you’re dating an Asian girl, you better understand where she’s coming from. Given our immigrant roots, most Asian girls endure a latent insecurity about everything from our boobs to our patriotism (both things that are just slightly there). So, as her white, Jewish (80% of the time), totally-secure-and-normal boyfriend, you better be prepared for when your girlfriend mistakes “soup or salad” for “super salad.” And since Asians have eyes like gravy boats, her crying jags are bound to extend late into the night. Just FYI.
Asian have eyes like gravy boats. Now that had me laughing! -Half because it is actually sadly, somewhat true, and because that analogy is simply hilarious!
STEP FOUR: Locking it Down
If you’ve made it this far, then you know all the dirty secrets of dating an Asian girl. You know we hate animals. You know we pretend to love drinking, even though we turn into full-blown red-faced injuns when we do. Oh yeah, and you know we are racists. Your saintly self just goes with it. But if you’re going to lock it down and marry your Oriental princess, you must know one final thing: in Chinese wedding traditions, the groom pays for the wedding. (According to my mom, the tradition stems from the groom’s family giving the bride’s family a cow in exchange for her.) So, if you’re going to marry an Asian, get ready to empty your pockets. This is just the beginning.
I’ve never had liquor before, so I’m not sure exactly how red-faced I’d be, but the bit about us being racist are actually somewhat true. (Note that I’m not speaking on behalf of all Asian Americans, just many that I know.) However, the thing with the idea of “racism” isn’t that we’re racist against a particular race, we’re really just slightly racist in general against all races - including our own. It’s not to offend anybody, it’s just for a bit of a good laugh on our behalf.
And with that, her guide came to an end. I hope you guys enjoyed the humorous guide as much as I did!
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